Pre-Travel Anxiety

I’m naturally an anxious person. I used to have OCD. I probably still do, but it’s not nearly as bad anymore.

Tomorrow I start my travels to the murder capital of the world. AKA Honduras. But that’s not what worries me. I always get a little jittery about flying, mostly because it stresses me out having to go through security. I’m always afraid I’m going to be that one random feel-up. Mind you, I have Aphenphosmphobia… the fear of being touched. So, you can imagine how nervous this makes me. It’s already happened once before. And I basically cried for an hour afterwords. I hate airport security, needless to say. So, I’m not looking forward to the next couple days.

I have to start my malaria medication today. Can’t forget to do that.

Oh, and then there’s the anxiety that I’m not going to do my job well once I get there. A lot of pressure goes onto the interpreter. That’s precisely what I am. My language must be perfect. Translating something incorrectly could mean the difference between life and death when it comes to a medical mission.

Maybe I’m just over-thinking it; I have been studying Spanish for almost seven years now. But, I can’t help but be nervous about complete and total failure.

What else is new…

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Future

For so long, I was unsure of what my future would hold.

For so long, I was confused.

But now I know, that when I’m gray and old,

I will look back feeling amused.

I struggled and struggled so hard it hurt,

For nothing at all in comparison.

Because obviously I originated from dirt,

And eventually I’ll be dirt again.

So it doesn’t really matter.

I Don’t Really Know How To Do This

So, people have been telling me for a long time now that I need to start a blog. I would always respond, “Yeah ok, I will. Someday.”

Well… Today is someday. And now that the deed is done, I’m starting to think I can’t actually do this. Funny right? This is what happens to me when I try something new. I doubt myself. I tell myself I can’t do this even when I know I can. The problem is that I’m just not patient enough. I’m not patient enough to learn all the tricks. I’m not patient enough to accumulate a following. And I’m not patient enough to get on here every single day to post. I admit: I’m the most impatient person I know. It isn’t that I want instant gratification, which is what most impatient people want. No work, all results. But that’s not me at all. I can work. And results don’t inspire me.

Weird?

Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.

So why am I impatient? I think it’s because I have no faith in myself. I just don’t believe enough to commit to anything. How do you fix something like that?

I can’t remember where I heard this… but you gotta fake it till you make it. If you fake it long enough, then eventually you become it. So if I just pretend to believe in myself, maybe someday I actually will. No doubt = patience enough to allow myself to succeed at something for once. All I can do is try. But… I still don’t really know how to do this.

I guess I’ll just have to figure it out.